post 3. january 26.2017

to those of you who i love...

i know i am not a good friend right now.  being a good friend to those that i care about has long been a quality in which i've taken great pride.  but for the past few years, i've kind of sucked at it.  

i've been consumed with my own 10 foot radius.  my family went through serious turmoil a couple of years ago, and i've had a hard time righting the ship since then.  you see, i am not unlike a bull.  i lock my eyes on a target and i pretty much run headfirst at it until i hit the bullseye or miserably miss.  i've had a lot of misses in the recent past.  you know when you watch a really dark wall of clouds grow and get darker as it approaches wherever you are safely [hopefully] hanging out?  i didn't listen to james spann and take cover.  i walked toward the wall.  [side note: NEVER IGNORE JAMES SPANN; HE IS A SMART MAN.] and it gobbled me up for a bit.

you all know that my depression reared its ugly head with a snarl and a crunch.  and it broke me for a bit.  y'all have any questions regarding any season of stream-able television from late 2015 to mid-march 2016, call me.  i can answer them. i took 'netflix and chill' to a level previously untouched by the human body.  while i am better at publicly concealing my depression than a lot of people, there is one place it is impossible for me to hide.  that place is in my close relationships, because i go off the grid.  sure, you can text and i'll [most likely] respond, but i become the lady-version of big foot, captured only on a fuzzy camera, usually at odd times of the night.  fortunately, i have great friends, and even if they can't understand where i am at the time [because who understands big foot choosing to traipse around barefoot in the forest in the snow???], they are accepting of it. 

once i came out of the bully blues, i started doing stuff.  it felt great to feel like myself again, and i took advantage of it.  i threw myself into exercise and therapy, i tried to be a better wife, i picked up the absolutely astonishing slack i created for myself at work, and i decided to start a business.  those things all take a. lot. of. time.  and the one thing that i've still had a hard time balancing is my friendships.  because i don't like to half-ass those.  i want to match the good and fulfillment that my friends give me with 150% return on investment 100% of the time, and that's just not possible to do.  so i've tried to give myself grace and space to put 150% in WHEN I CAN. i hope that is good enough for now.  

if you have felt neglected by me, i am truly so very sorry.  i love you and value you deeply, and i've learned a lot about myself.  much to my chagrin, i am not actually professor mcgonagall. that chick can balance about a gazillion things at once all while slaying the dark arts, but i'm just ill-equipped. that being said, i want you to know i am happy for your pregnancy.  and i am so proud of your career change.  and i hear your pain and i feel it with you. and i've loved meeting your baby or new significant other. and i appreciate so much the support that you've given me even when i've been less visible than casper the friendly ghost.  there have been these beautiful, seemingly tiny moments with each of you over the past few years that you probably didn't even notice, and they are huge to me.  i am so unbelievably filled up by the love that i have for each of you. it doesn't look like things are slowing down for me anytime soon, and i'm really not disappointed about that. but i promise you, i will always be here to cheer you on. [i apologize to both Mrs. J and Mrs. Hamm for ending the previous sentence with a preposition, but i just needed to.  dangit, did it again.]  i might be in my pajamas with 4-day dirty hair, but you are on my mind. i may not actually see you for a couple of months, but i feel you all the time. you live in one of the best places of my heart, and i praise the heavens every. single. day for each of you.    

all my love for all of my life, 


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